Saturday, October 8, 2011
The drive up was awesome, we held hands, made faces at each other and generally realized that we fit each other very well. Beyond already having nothing on his face for me but a smile, this made a year for us and we still hadn't had a single argument. He refuses to abuse me. LOL. That is how he views the way that people here relate to one another. Abuse. We have disagreements, differences if opinions and other such things just like every other couple I know. How we handle it is what makes us work and different. Looking into his eyes for the first full day and seeing nothing but love and the normal looks (hunger, is he/she/it serious, done yet, keep going, and so on) I knew that I never wanted to be away from this man.
I have no real comments on the drive but tons to say and keep to myself on how my heart changed and my soul grew during a long car ride through farm country sitting next to my best friend and in front of the love of my life. I have never been one for holding hands and kissing unless it was a small child. Jens had revolutionized my little universe. Touching him was/is magical as if it's a touch I have always known, and always crave when it is not present. As much as I wanted to punch every female before me that said these words now I get it. He completes me.
With him I feel free for the first time ever to truly open up and just be. Be myself, be better, be real, be true, be everything and anything... to just Be. Be in the moment, be aware, be alive. I feel like my existence isn't for naught. That I have a reason to draw breath. That my birth wasn't just some random event that happened because my parents had sex. That all the years of feeling unwanted, unneeded, unimportant, invisible, and expendable I had finally found someone (other then Dorothy Roper) that saw me for me. Not the mask I wear but the face I hide within. Family has not done this, but this young man from the frozen north looked long and hard and he found me.
So happy to be found. I feel like a treasure and not driftwood.
Monday, October 3, 2011
I can not express how honored and loved I felt when he told me he was getting on a plane and coming half way around the world to spend time with me. I guess I should back up and start at when/where/how we met.
2 years ago around April I was online hanging out in one of my best friends chat rooms on IRC and still healing from a not so happy relationship that left me feeling like I just wasn't enough. That yet again being black and female were 2 strikes against me. That if I had been anyone but myself it would have worked out and that of course it was all my fault. I was corrected and informed by Mr. Wonderful, he said that the problem is never really what we think it is. That between emotions and biases we often don't see the real writing on the wall.
I digress, after a long time of being single again and healing as much as I could on my own I started being myself again and one night after setting up imaginary bar and buffet a new guy comes into the channel and says hello and starts talking to people. I notice right away that he has manners and opinions. He talks to both the easily identifiable females and the males equally. Big bonus, because online most guys are not okay, they can only be conversant with the females in the room, mental instability or really bad social skills means a bad time if you get involved with them. Unless you too have either codependency issues or are just as messed up.. back to my story. This was a sign that he was mentally and socially in the normal to highly functioning range. After he left a few of us commented that he was a change of pace from what we were use to. I agreed and paid him no more attention. The one day he asked if he could private message me and I said yes. Well, he did ask! He asked me some non-personal questions and told me that he liked the way I didn't hold my tongue. That I called a spade a spade.
After that day I began to notice when he came and went, if I was paying attention to IRC at all. A few weeks later we actually talked again and this time I learned about the music that he liked and that he was from Finland; the home of several of my favorite bands: The Rasmus, Apocalyptica, Nightwish, Straovarius and now also Stilla. This conversation took place on Yahoo Messenger's voice chat. I loved the sound of his voice. We talked for hours' nonstop. Not me talking to or at him, a real live two way conversation. A few weeks went by after this and I noticed him talking to another girl and didn't understand why it bothered me. The friendlier she got wit him the more it bugged me. I loved the girl so I told myself to calm down and get a grip and if she had found a nice guy for me to be happy for her. So I was surprised a few days later when she messaged me asking me what I thought of him. I told her my honest opinion and wished them luck. She was quiet a while and then said, "too bad he likes someone else."
Label me clueless......
Weeks went by and I didn't talk to him. Partly because I was moving into my first apartment and was overwhelmed. Once I got the internet, everyone said how much they had missed me and it was mutual. He stepped forward and asked how had been and hat I had been doing and that he had missed me too. I smiled and was polite and thanked him. I wondered how he and my girl were doing. Then he sat next to me and held polite conversation fro a while. I was kinda busy unpacking so I wasn't very attentive. Then the weather did something funny. It began to storm like I had never seen before. There was ball and chain lightening in the sky, the thunder rumbled so hard it felt like my windows were vibrating soon to break. I had not been sleeping well, nights of little to no sleep because I was having nightmares nonstop of my apartment being broken into, worries about if I could really afford to live on my own or not, my craptastic job that was slowly destroying my will to live and the failing health of my parents. After a few hours of no responses from me he private messaged me asking if I was okay, that I was too quiet and that had him worried.
After a solid hour of one word replies he had ascertained that I was afraid of the storm that was occurring, being a geek guy he looked up my local weather online and understood why I was distressed. That storm killed 3 people including a mail carrier that it literally chased down the street and around a parked car.
He stayed with me, comforting and soothing me, calming me and understanding what happens to a human being when their sleep cycle is utterly broken and they are near catatonic with fear. Thanks to him my heart didn't stop beating and I was able to fall asleep when the storm ended and slept like a baby. When I woke up he had left a note for me saying that he hoped that I slept well and that he hoped I had sweet dreams.
Well that made a good impression on me. and when I saw him next online we YM voice chatted and it was awesome. It began our tradition of being the first and last voice /face of each other,s day. Mind you it was one sided for a while as he began the spoiling process of pampering a fragile girl.
The next time h and the friend talked it was in channel and I asked why they weren't together. I was then informed that he liked me. And had liked me for a while. Color me full of doubt and disbelief. I asked about him and my girl and was informed that they were being social and silly but that he liked me.
After some serious talks we decide to try hanging out with each other. It was pretty obvious to everyone but me that we were a couple. Then he asked me to be his and I said yes. On valentine's day he put a ring on my finger to symbolize his claim to that special place in my heart. 6 months later he said he wanted to come and see me. And that June 31st I pick him up from O'Hare International Airport.
This picture was taken at a rest stop on the way back to St.Louis from Chicago. He was pushing me on the swing at first but we couldn't take the picture, my sister then came over and offered to take a picture for us. Thanks EV.